The liberation of not knowing: Finding your passion in the sea of uncertainty

Hi, my name’s Katie and I’m a control freak. There, I’ve said it! Being in control, knowing every step of my future, setting goals, being focussed and directive (with myself and everyone else) has been my safety net through life.

My life was turned upside down when I was nine years old. My mum and I left my dad, but I didn’t know that was what had happened until two weeks later, I thought we were just visiting with my auntie for a couple of weeks in the school holiday. My whole world shifted. I lost contact with all my school friends and every point of reference in my life at that time. I didn’t see my father again for two years. Looking back I now realise that was when my carefree and spontaneous soul was squashed and the controlled and shut down ‘me’ took over. She’s been in existence ever since (I’m now 54!)

But, over the last three years that control freak has been challenged. Oh boy, challenged like you would not believe. In 2010 both my parents died. I’m an only child so had no siblings to share the memories and deal with the reality of loss. I was in a relationship at the time, that ended in the Spring of 2011, badly as he wasn’t a very nice person.  I had three and a half months of stalking and harassment which only ended when he was arrested in June 2011. So, the previous eighteen months had been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. Here I was, 51, on my own completely, no parents, no siblings, no partner, no children. That gave me a jolt.

My antidote?  To write my book! I took my five day programme for women and turned it into a book. Fabulous therapy! The book took me to the US twice in 2012 attending The Hay House Conferences in Washington DC and Pasadena, California to do book signing. That led to me go to Pasadena and LA twice in 2013 to give talks to organisations and women’s networking groups. That led me to see an immigration lawyer in May 2013 to discuss moving to the US. That led to me working with her to submit my petition for an 01 Visa and then my Green Card.

That led me to writing this! I heard on 31^st January this year that my petition wasn’t accepted.

Shock. Everything to do with the US had, up to that point, run smoothly and effortlessly.  Surely that was a sign I was meant to be there?  Apparently not!  My lawyer is working on it as I type. But, what this has done is give me the opportunity to stop, regroup and calmly consider what I really want.

I recognise I was a passenger on a very fast moving train and I wasn’t able to slow it down long enough to hop off. It also brought up a lot of ‘stuff’ from the past for me. This past week (this article is being written seven days after I had the news) has given me the chance to be reflective and really see who I am and the old script I have been playing out.

When my life was turned upside down all those years ago, I became a people pleaser. My self confidence and value as a girl and then woman in the world was severely dented.  I detached from my feelings, built an armour around me, squared off my shoulders, took a deep breath and faced the world and achieved. Being in control, focussed, disciplined and emotionally absent suited me very well.

However, my work was always with women. I have spent a quarter of a century so far empowering and inspiring women to be fabulous, to believe in their magnificence, to step into their own spotlight and shine.  I thought I was doing that for myself too.  Now I realise I have been hiding.

I am very good at displacement activities! So, working with all my wonderful and amazing clients was giving me a brilliant excuse to not look at myself. This last week has given the chance to see how my decision to move to the US was based around pleasing other people far more than pleasing me. People I know in the UK were really excited and inspired by my decision, people in the US were giving me all the right signals. I had met a lot of great women in the US through my various networking and talks, many of whom I now see were latching on to me as their saviour. This, I have to tell you, is very seductive to a control freak who loves rescuing everyone else except herself!  I was seduced.

So, my life has, once again, changed. I am now, very probably, going to stay in the UK. I am also giving myself permission not to make a decision immediately – yikes! I have done what I encourage my clients to do: to find their authentic feminine voice. I have really dug deep this last week and got in touch my own true passion.

I have always been passionate about empowering women, but now I want to take this passion to a much wider audience. I want to work with women in Africa, The Middle East and India. This is my heart talking, not my head. My head has had dominance for 45 years, now it’s the turn of my heart to speak. My heart, my feelings, my ability to be vulnerable, my authentic feminine power will allow me to expand into my passion.

So, I’m finding my passion in my own sea of uncertainty. How am I going to work with these women in Africa, The Middle East and India? My heart knows, my soul knows. My head has absolutely no idea right now – and that’s fabulous!